Bernie and Serena- Flash and Falter
by BereniceBloodyWolfe
Summary: Set after Bernie and Serena's return to holby (though not particularly time specific) on bonfire night. (Warnings- mentions of war, PTSD, adult themes and swearing)
1. Chapter 1

_**'Sorry S- I won't be able to make it tonight- not feeling too good**_ **x** **B** '

Serena frowned. Her and Bernie had promised Jason that they would accompany him to a bonfire at Albies that evening- 10 minutes before they were due to pick her up, she had decided to pull rank. Brilliant.

Although Serena hated the thought of her lover feeling under the weather, she was finding it odd to comprehend. just two hours previously the women had left work together (heading off in their own directions to her ready) and they'd finalised their plans for the evening. She didn't mention that she was feeling unwell then and as far as Serena knew, she had been fine all day.

When she stoped to think about it, she remembered that Bernie had been oddly reluctant to agree to the bonfire in the first place which Serena had found decidedly strange. Bernie usually jumped at the chance of a 'family night out' (as he now liked to call them) with her and Jason and she'd never known her to cancel a plan, certainly not with such short notice. To make matters worse, she now wasn't answering her 'bloody phone'. Serena slammed her mobile down in annoyance. Surely she couldn't be that far from it- it was only 5 minutes since she'd text her for peats sake. When she tried the house phone however, with no avail even on the third attempt, an intense worry began to set in.

"Auntie Serena? Hurry up! We agreed to pick Bernie up at 7. It's now precisely 3 minutes past. We'll miss the fire works if we don't get a move on!"

Jason appeared in the doorway, a pleading look on his face. His Auntie thought for a moment, unsure of how to explain the situation. He'd be so disappointed but at this moment (and probably every other for as long as she'd live) Bernie's well being came first, even over the prospect of having a sulky nephew for a while. He'd get over it, she decided confidently.

"Now listen Jason...Bernie isn't feeling well and I'm going to have to go around to her house, make sure she's alright"

She painted a false smile. She'd had plenty of practice that past year.

"No... we'll miss the fireworks..."

She watched a pensive look spread across her nephews face and decided it would be unfair to have him miss out on all of the excitement- he had been so excited after all.

"Right, well I'll drop you off at Albies before I go... Fletch will be there and Raf... it will be alright won't it? You'll still have a brilliant time!"

Jason agreed, after much deliberation (much to Serena's annoyance- hadn't he been in a rush just 5 seconds earlier?) and sloped off to the car, no doubt cursing his Auntie for ruining his plans.

When Serena finally arrived at Bernies, after what seemed like an age of settling Jason in with the 'chuckle brothers'- which she'd taken to calling them of late- she found the house in darkness, curtains closed despite of it being only 7:30. The car was in the driveway however, so she had no doubt that her girlfriend was in. She tried the door, then rung the doorbell a considerable amount of times, fear building up with each insufferable, unanswered :

' _Ding_ _Dong_ '

She gave up on the 5th attempt, scrambling for the spare key Bernie had given her some months ago. On entrance, Serena could make out a faint light flooding down the stairs, perhaps coming from Bernie's bedroom. The rest of the house was in complete darkness. Her footsteps sounded eerie as she marched quickly up the Wooden staircase- an alarming contrast to the otherwise silent house. She stopped, sure she heard something as she reached the top.. a humming noise?! It was a struggle to hear anything now, over the sound of her own racing heart. She dreaded what was about to face her. What on earth had happened to the women she loved so dearly? Sure it must be something dreadful, she paused in front of the familiar wooden door. Last time she had been here, only two nights earlier- the pair had crashed through that same door, hot and needing, lips attached, leaving a trail of clothing across the now desolate landing. It seemed like a different place.

She opened the door slowly, catching her breath.

 _A_ _scream_

"WHAT THE FUCK SERENA?!"

Bernie bellowed, ripping out her earphones, sending her well thumbed book flying unceremoniously onto the messy floor.

"Oh thank the heavens! You're alive!"

Serena breathed, only half joking, scrambling onto the bed beside her.

"You really need to wear louder shoes..."

Bernie attempted- wondering if Serena would remember.

"I was so worried- I'd rung all of your phones, the doorbell, all of the lights were off... and said you were ill- I couldn't help thinking the worst, you know what I'm like..."

Bernie almost chuckled (but was incredibly warmed) at her girlfriends apparent desperation. She pulled her into an embrace, broken moments later by Serena's concerned stir.

"What do you feel like? Have you got headache? Have you been sick?"

The doctors questions continued, Bernie just meekly shaking her head at all of the suggestions.

"No I just.. I don't know Serena... I just feel a bit under the weather.."

She continued to be incredibly vague, refusing suggestions of thermometers and painkillers, insisting she was cool and in no pain what so ever. Instead, she invited Serena under the duvet beside her and did all that she could to steer to conversation away from illness and cancelled plans. Serena had stopped the questioning, aware that for some reason, Bernie was becoming increasingly agitated. She had never seen her like this before- Bernie was always so calm and confident- so collected and in control. The sight of her shivering in her dressing gown, nervous looking and pale under the low yellow light made Serena feel decidedly uneasy.

Bernie jumped vigorously as Serena slid out of bed and almost yelped as she made for the tightly drawn curtains.

"NO! What are you doing?!"

Her voice came out as a whisper, barely audible.

"Opening the curtains of course- so we can watch the fireworks"

To Bernie's horror, she also opened the window wide, allowing the brightly coloured flashes to be accompanied by whizzes and crashes, loud and chaotic.

"Isn't if wonderful"

Serena called joyfully, thinking how much Jason would be enjoying it. To her horror however, when she turned around to investigate the lack of reply, Bernie was laying back on the pillow, shaking, tears streaming down her pale face.

'Bern?..."

"Please Serena. Please shut the window... please.. make it stop"


	2. Chapter 2

"Bern? Sweetheart talk to me. What's going on? Have you got a migraine? Are the lights making it worse?"

Now too exhausted to even lie (but still not prepared to give an explanation) she rolled onto her side, lifting the duvet to indicate she wanted Serena to join her. She relaxed slightly as her girlfriend encased her in arms and allowed her body to soften as she smoothed her tangled hair from her forehead, which was now beaded with sweat. Another bang moments later however, sent the medic into a further state of panic.

She'd had flashbacks before (usually triggered by loud noises) and had suffered horrific nightmares but had never endured anything quite like this. She was hot- so hot she had to physically push Serena away, apologising profusely as she did so. Her chest was tightening rapidly, making her breathing ragged and uncomfortable. She reached out for Serena's hand, desperate to gain a sense of grounding or at least to feel comforted. Luckily, the doctor in her Serena had prevailed and had finally brought her to the realisation of what was going on.

"Bernie- you're having a panic attack. I promise you, you're going to be absolutely fine- you need to breath with me and let me help you to cool down".

She spoke gently but firmly and after sometime, the sound of her calming voice along with gentle strokes was enough to help Bernie regain some of her composure. As she grasped hold of reality once again, She was overcome with an overwhelming and unexpected sense of shame and embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry.. I... Don't know what came over me..."

She spoke quietly and slowly, ensuring she pronounced her words correctly- trying so desperately to pull herself together and become the strong women she had always been in the past. She was surprised when she opened her eyes, to see tears glistening in Serena's.

"You have NOTHING to apologise for. Or to be ashamed of for that matter. Were you having flashbacks? Has this happened before?"

"Not like this... but fireworks always cause me to panic... the banging and the flashing, pathetic I know"

Serena shook her head briskly, encasing her lovers face in her hands.

"Bernie wolfe, there is nothing pathetic about you. Or this. You are the bravest woman I know. You are a hero and I love you. I'm so so proud to call you mine"

Once again, the women melted into each other's arms and Bernie met Serena's lips with her own. They remained in that blissful state for longer than either of them had anticipated, Serena holding Bernie gently all the white, ensuring not to move above her or make her feel closed in. She knew though, that she had succeeded, for the while at least, to ease her partner out of newly relaxed atmosphere was soon disturbed however, after a particularly loud bang echoed through the now silent room. Bernie pulled back, drew a deep breath and lowered her self back onto the pillow. She noticed the worried look on Serena's face and endeavoured to be reassuring, diverting her effort into neutralising her expression and steady her voice once again.

"I'm ok... it's ok...I just, needed to breathe for a minute.. I'm very hot"

It was Serena's turn to feel ashamed. The woman she loved was quivering, as she had been for the past 3 hours, white and frightened, desperately trying to draw herself from falling into another panic attack, yet she was the one being reassuring, trying to hold Serena's nerve along with her own. The truth was, though she failed to admit it to herself, Serena felt out of her depth. throughout her long career, she'd calmed many a frightened patient, reassured many a terrified family member but with Bernie-her Bernie- she was in a totally different situation. The woman lay before her was undoubtably the most precious thing in her life. She loved her deeply and shared a wonderful, happy, 'equal' relationship with her-yet deep down she was still totally in awe of her. And now: she felt totally in charge of this amazing woman's well being. She had never been more overwhelmed.

The statement ' **pull yourself together Campbell** ' had never felt more apt. So she repeated it to herself internally, allowing herself to regain her own composure. Above all she was desperate to keep these feeling hidden from Bernie. Though as she suspected- she could see right through her.

"It's alright Serena. I'll be ok- as long as I've got you. Come here..."

The medic spoke slowly, in a measured tone. She took hold of girlfriends waist and pulled it firmly into her own.

"I know you don't know how to make me feel better right now. How could you? I don't even know that myself. But you do know how to make me feel loved. I'd go as far as saying you're an expert at that..."

With that Serena understood exactly what she needed to do. She pushed her hips further into Bernie's, moving her lips to her lovers neck. Being sure to be gentle and soothing, yet oozing passion, she removed her clothes, and allowed the same to be done to her. From that moment, Bernie's mind clouded, blotting the events of the evening and quietening the noise that usually echoed through her thoughts.

Then, the only thing to occupy her brain was the feeling of their bodies entwined and moving together in the perfect, now silent darkness.


End file.
